The Balance Within
This is going to be a winding one, so hold on tight.
I love Sundays.
I also notice that I haven't loved Sundays for a while.
I love cooking.
I also notice that I haven't loved cooking for a while.
I love chilling, listening to music.
I also notice that I have chilled and listened to music for a while.
I love working out and feeling strong.
I also notice that I have not worked out for a while and have been feeling quite blah.
I love writing.
I also notice that I have not been writing for a while.
This storytelling might be a mirror for some, a cautionary tale, an epiphany or a permission slip. It may not be for you... but for someone you love. But mostly, it's a brain dump for me. These brain dumps are my process and a catalyst to change, evolving and transformation or sometimes just an awareness to be still and witness and I share because I wish someone would have shared with me.
I turned 53 in July and I notice I am experiencing an "unsettling".
This is not the first time this has happened.
It happened when I turned 22, 26 and 39.
It happened when I got divorced.
It happened when he died, when she died...
It happened when I got sober.
It happened when he left.
It happened when I left.
It happened when I left golf.
It happened when Lucas was born.
It happened when CJ died, when Pat died, when Grandma died.
It happened when I found myself.
It happened when Lucy died, Luna, Atlas, Scout, Mr. Squeaks.
It happened when COVID came and disappeared.
It happened in a foreign country.
It happened when my Mom got cancer.
It happened when my Dad got his diagnosis.
It happened when Dad went to Memory Care.
One of my greatest traits is that when I focus on something, I get it done.
I am a grinder.
I will figure it out.
I may not be the smartest, the strongest or the fastest but no one will outwork me.
And this is a beneficial attribute... until it is not.
I have been on "vacation" for about 10 days and what I am realizing is that I am spread too thin. ((Again)). *vacation is in quotes because I am still teaching a few classes and parenting is a 24/7 job.
I am aware that I am not good at dividing my attention 10 different ways. And the thing that goes out the window first, is me and not until I am brought to my knees, do I stop and take care.
This is a cycle that has repeated most of my "awakened" life. Before, the slammed schedule, the booze, the drama and the cocaine had me pedal to the metal. That life was "normal" and I did it (looking back) to NOT feel and TO feel something other than what I was feeling.
13 years later I know better but patterns and habits can be deeply ingrained and in times of stress and survival, that pattern re-surfaces.
They say that knowledge is power. My experience is that knowledge is nothing if you don't do something with it.
Here is my process for meaningful change and I would love to know about yours!
1. There has to be space for reflection. For me, this doesn't happen rapidly or normally when I want or "have time" but it is the key for everything going forward.
2. Let it percolate. Not everything I reflect on needs action. In fact, very little of it does. But things that have to do with my physical and mental health, my family and friendships normally need some type of action and I would prefer that action to be a response not a reaction.
3. WHY and WHAT. Two questions that, again, need time and space to answer. The goal, for me, isn't to get out of feeling unsettled or uncomfortable as fast as possible, it's to create a sustainable solution.
4. Make a plan. SMALL bites. Rome wasn't built in a day and for me, if I try to address everything at once, I end up changing nothing and creating a ton more rats nests. NOTE: I cannot make a plan from the same place I made the disaster. I ask for ideas, research, talk to friends… this process doesn’t happen in a vacuum and I cannot possibly know everything.
5. Be flexible and open to change and adjustment. Just because I spend a lot of time and effort making a decision doesn't mean I need to stick with it if it is a dumpster fire.
This Sunday, Jay delivered me coffee in bed; he does this most days and instead of jumping out of bed and doing all the things, I stayed. I lit a candle and put on a soft play list and stayed.
At 8, Lucas woke up and came in; we chatted about something that hurt his heart. We had cat snuggles and a giggle and he asked "what do you have planned for today, Mom?" I took a big breath in and a big sigh out and responded "nothing" and smiled.
And then I cooked.
played music
lit candles
made videos
took pictures
bought school supplies
sat on the floor with the dogs.
made Lucas breakfast.
and I wrote.
I did all of these things because I wanted to and not out of obligation.
So, as I write this, I am aware of the word Balance
and not of 5000 things
Not
challenging how many things can I balance
because, believe me,
I can balance a lot.
Balance + Prioritize
the things that matter
to me
to my family
to my friendships.
I have no idea what comes next, how to balance, what to shave off, how to structure my days…
but I am willing to sit still enough
to breathe
to pray
to meditate
to wait.
Happy Sunday, Friends.
Jen ♥